Discussing grief can be challenging, and as I write this, I'm both anxious and hopeful that my insights will assist you in understanding your own grief. I want to start by acknowledging that grief affects us all in some manner, and it is an important emotion to accept. I wasn't always of this mindset; I used to protect my grief closely. It has taken me years to appreciate my grief as the gift it truly is.
If you are still with me after reading that statement allow me to explain why I believe grief is a gift. Recently, I saw a video of Andrew Garfield talking to Elmo on Sesame Street about sadness and grief. He talked about how he embraced his sadness when he thought about his mom, who passed away. He told Elmo that he was remembering his mom and although he missed her, he could remember all the wonderful memories of her. I got a little teary listening to this explanation of grief. It was beautiful to hear such a simple yet profound description of the process.
I know, grief never leaves us, it becomes a part of our lives, and if we welcome it, we can also accept the melancholy when it rolls in around us like the clouds moving across the sun. I wished someone had told me it was alright to feel the grief when I was going through it as a child. Losing my father at age twelve was so overwhelming. My feelings where like rocks in my pockets, weighing me down. I didn’t know what to do with such big emotions.
I read books about grief, the stages, feeling numb, being in denial, angry, depression and acceptance. No one can tell you how long a person would be at any of these stages. Well intentioned people told me, “Your dad, wouldn’t want you to be sad”, or “just keep busy and you’ll feel better.” No one ever said it was okay to be sad or to cry or to let myself feel the grief. Many of you have experience this too. Let people hear that it's okay and in fact healthy to feel our grief.
In some ways the heartbreaking grief of my father passing, prepared me for the other pain in my life, the death of my mother, divorce, the loss of a business, my children leaving the nest. There are many moments in life, big and small where grief shows up. No one wants to lose a parent or a partner, through death or divorce. So how do we move through and accept our grief while still living our lives? Believing everything happens for a reason is great, but does it let us work through the grief?
Reflecting on my losses, I wish I had been more open about them. It seemed taboo to tell someone, “I feel like a failure because my marriage ended” or “I’m really missing my mom today and feel low,” or to discuss the business I managed for over 24 years. I can recall well-meaning people saying that I’m better off or that I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t moved on. Yes, I am happy with my current life, my work, and my partner. Yet, I can still experience moments of grief and be okay!
When I work one on one with people in my clinical Pilates practice, I see how emotions get stored in the body. Chronic pain, illness, tightness, restriction all shows up with unresolved grief and emotions. As we move and clients talk about their thoughts, of lose or trauma it’s amazing how the body begins to open, and tensions melt away.
Moving through grief is about feeling it, and literally moving your body when you are experiencing this. It’s like taking the rocks out of your pocket and letting someone else carry them for a little while. The grief is still yours, but you can find some comfort in moving it around or sharing the burden.
When I look back at the times when my grief was raw, I was training in martial arts when my mother passed, and I dove into the training. When I was going through my separation and divorce, I was working with a trainer, and I’d let myself cry or feel angry during the workouts. I kept moving. Not to escape, but to acknowledge the ache. Our body and mind are so interconnected that when we move our body and let ourselves feel, there is a release that comes from the sweat, and tears of doing something physical.
I see it in myself, and I see it in the people I coach. Why not embrace the rawness of your grief? We have a saying in the martial arts, "Zen is acceptance". Finding acceptance with where you are at with your journey can be life changing. Pair it with an activity, walking with a friend, going to the gym, attending a class, or whatever movement inspires you. But let’s stop pretending grief isn’t a part of our life. The more you push it away, the harder it will land when you finally can’t fight it off anymore.
My therapist encouraged me to write how I was feeling and then do something physical, like go for a run or a walk. I have found this to be an incredible outlet for heavy emotions. It feels as though my body is getting lighter as the weight of my grief floats off like a storm cloud passing to reveal the blue sky once again.
If we can accept the weather as it changes, from sunny and warm, to damp and cold, or from storms to clear sky, then we can do the same with the waves of emotions that rise and fall. We need the rain to help plants grow and we need all of our emotions as human beings, in order to evolve. So, the next time you feel the melancholy rolling in, I’m here for you, I will walk with you and help you to, move through your grief!
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